A gay Disney wedding

We Did: Stories of United Methodists living marriage equality

By Rev. Ted Gault

gault-photo-2I was a local preacher in a big church in Rochester, Minnesota.  Late one afternoon a couple came into the church office asking to be married that evening.  The pastor was on vacation and the associate pastor had another engagement and so I presided over my first wedding in the near-empty nave of a church that had a resident bat in its belfry. It was July 1951. I have officiated at countless weddings since then, but none was more meaningful or moving to me that that of my grandson 60 years later.

Jonathan was the name I baptized him with, but as time went on he became just plain Jon. He has been an important part of our lives ever since the morning we drove him and his mother home from the hospital. When he was about 10, he was beginning to realize that his view of the world and his place in it was a bit different. My wife suggested to me that Jon was gay and said that she had recognized this in his infancy.  As he grew older in years his self-understanding matured. He went to college in Manhattan and specialized in drama and dance. Meanwhile, we moved to Florida after we retired. In 2007, Jon came to Florida, having been hired by Disney World as an entertainer. He loved the part of the job that included dancing in the daily parades.  But the high moment of his life in these years was his discovery of James.  James worked in the hotel management department of the Disney organization. Jon and James became engaged in July 2008.

It was not too long after this that word began circulating in the family that a wedding was being planned. In due course, Jon came and told me all about the plans.  The wedding would be held on November 3, 2011, during a three-day cruise on a Disney cruise ship, on a beach in the Bahamas – would Grandpa be willing to do the honors? The answer was, “Of course!”

I set about preparing a ceremony appropriate to such and occasion.  The ritual prescribed in the Methodist Book of Worship might be the basis of the service but something more seemed to be called for.  I consulted numerous sources from multiple denominations and when I was done, I sent the draft of the service to the grooms. Jon and James were quite pleased. Now we had only to await the sailing time of the “Disney Dream.”

The plans for the wedding called for the ship to dock at Castaway Key, Disney’s private island, with the ceremony on a beach there that was all prepared for us.  Unfortunately, although the day was clear and warm, the wind had risen during the night before and the sea had become so rough that the captain was unable to dock the ship at the island.  James set about with the appropriate crew members to find an appropriate place to hold the wedding.  They found an ideal lounge high on the ship, with a window across the whole of one side and a marvelous view of the ocean.  James wore a black tuxedo and a white rose while Jon wore a similar white suit and a red rose.  When all were in place the ceremony proceeded as I had planned it.

After the exchange of vows, the grooms holding hands, spoke these words together: “We promise to share with one another the bitter things of life as well as the sweet, to stand together in times of trouble, to help each other, bear each other’s burdens and forgive one another.  We promise to strive against prejudice and misunderstanding, and to seek justice and peace for all people; and, we promise to share with one another the sweet things of life as well as the bitter, to love one another, to enjoy the every-day-ness of our life together, to encourage one another, listen to one another, and to seek forgiveness. We promise to strive for a life of courage, faithfulness, and dignity. In all this we ask God to help and guide us”

Afterwards, we adjourned to a delightful reception with refreshments, dancing and much enjoyment of friends and family too seldom able to be together.  The wedding party included four other dancers from Disney World, and as a wedding present they performed a presentation of one of their dance routines during the reception.

Not long after the wedding James and Jon left Disney and returned to New York. New York State had legalized gay marriage in 2011, and on February 23,2012, Jon and James legalized their union at city hall in New York City.

Edwin (Ted) Gault is a retired elder in the New York Annual Conference.

We Did is a project of Methodists in New Directions (MIND) dedicated to making visible our ministries to LGBTQ people and encouraging others in the UMC to transcend the institutional requirement to discriminate and make their ministries visible, too. It is part of the Biblical Obedience movement sweeping across the United Methodist Church. You can read all the We Did stories here.  We invite you to submit your own story to We Did. 

The eyes of God

We Did: Stories of United Methodists living marriage equality

By Rev. Dr. Julie Faith Parker

parker-julie-photo“Okay, I’ll officiate at your wedding again,” I told my lifelong friend Josephine—then added with mock seriousness, “But two’s my limit!”

Josephine (called Jo by those who knew her) and I were in our thirties.  We had been the best of friends ever since our kindergarten class in P.S. 44 on Staten Island.  When I was seven years old, my family moved to Long Island, because my father, as a United Methodist pastor, had a change of appointment.  Throughout our childhood, Jo and I lived about an hour from each other.  Still, to their great credit, our parents took turns driving once each month so Jo and I could have a sleepover.  We would lie giggling in sleeping bags on the floor poring over Tiger Beat magazines with flashlights.  And though our ideas of a good time naturally changed as we got older, our commitment to create and share those good times together remained steadfast.

I was ordained a deacon (in the previous UM ordination system), when I was twenty-six years old; three weeks later I officiated at Jo’s wedding.  She had been dating Mike for years and they shared a love of writing, music, creativity, and New York. We had a simple ceremony in upstate New York on a summer sunlit afternoon in a wooded clearing surrounded by wildflowers.  A few years later, Jo told me what had been aching on her heart for years. She was lesbian.  I was surprised, but not really. She and Mike parted amicably and moved on.

She found her true love in an online chat room (then a real innovation).  Jo and Melissa (called Miss) would talk via computer for hours every day.  Their connection was strong, but always through fingers typing hundreds of miles away. Miss lived in Wichita, Kansas; Jo was in Brooklyn. They hadn’t talked on the phone even once when tragedy struck. Jo had a terrible accident that nearly took her life.  Miss responded to her sudden online silence with tireless persistence; she called every precinct in Brooklyn until she found out that Jo was in the hospital. Miss flew to New York.  In the hospital room where Jo lay in a mechanical bed, they fell deeply in love.

Their love was like a phoenix – rising from the ashes of death – as Miss did all she could for Jo in her time of deep need.  When Jo was released from the hospital months later, she moved to Kansas to be with Miss.  They wanted to make their commitment before God and witnesses. When Jo called to ask if I would officiate, I didn’t hesitate at all.

This wedding would not be recognized by the state of Kansas, which still has laws on the books against homosexuality.  But love knows nothing of boundaries that declare one kind of love acceptable and another illegal.  The wedding was beautiful – again outside on a summer’s day – with the sun shining and the couple glowing in love. Holding a Bible that was opened to Ruth 1:16-17, I stood before Jo, Miss, and the assembled gathering. I looked in the eyes of these two women who bravely knew – far beyond what most couples ever have to experience – what it means to be there for each other.  I looked at the eyes of the friends they had invited to share these precious moments – eyes filled with hope and joy. And I thought, perhaps this is what it looks like to see the eyes of God.

Julie Parker is an ordained elder in the New York Annual Conference serving in extension ministry as a professor at Andover Newton Theological School.

We Did is a project of Methodists in New Directions (MIND) dedicated to making visible our ministries to LGBTQ people and encouraging others in the UMC to transcend the institutional requirement to discriminate and make their ministries visible, too. It is part of the Biblical Obedience movement sweeping across the United Methodist Church. You can read all the We Did stories here.  We invite you to submit your own story to We Did. 

Ethics demanded that risk

We Did: Stories of United Methodists living marriage equality

By Rev. Toby Gould

gould-photo-croppedThe two honorary uncles of our teenage children were Dewey and Larry. The remarkable couple, known internationally in their respective fields, became part of our family during those crucial years of growth and exploration for both Bryan and Susan. As music director at the church I served, Dewey taught me respect and appreciation of gay people’s perspectives.

During the early 90s, as the United Methodist Church increased its discrimination against the LGBT community, I decided quietly that if asked to bless the union of two LGBT folks, I would do this in the same way I would for heterosexual people, that is, with love and hope for their committed future. I knew that this would put my ordination at risk. Ethics demanded that risk.

Twelve years ago, Cheryl, who had served as director of Christian education at the church we both served, and Marsha, who was a national UMC staff person, asked me to officiate at their service to bless their union. My reaction was two-fold. First, I was honored to be asked as I knew their decision to have such a service was rooted in deeply held faith and to be asked to participate touched me deeply. Second, I knew that my previous silent affirmation was now put to the test.

Fortunately, both Cheryl and Marsha knew what they wanted to do to prepare for their service of commitment and how that service would run. We met to talk about relationship, faith and community as we prepared together for their special day. In a kind but firm way, they showed me what they needed to say to each other to dedicate their lives one to another.

This dedication was not without cost. In making an announcement of their commitment to each other in a private ceremony amongst friends, they both risked a future working in the church at any level.

The service at Bear Mountain Park on a cold May day was beautiful. After exchanging vows, Cheryl sang a song of love to Marsha that brought tears to many eyes. For the first time in 30 years of officiating at life-changing events, I was nervous! If my ordination was to remain unchallenged, all of these family, friends and colleagues would need to celebrate that day and not share details of the event outside that caring community. This came to mind as my mouth became dry and I misspoke Marsha’s name. Smiles from the couple and friends allowed me to take a deep breath and carry on.

Following this service, the forces of darkness did their worst to find out who led this service so that they could punish and publish. No one ever let on. Ironically, I only found out that the statute of limitations had run out after joining MIND.

Marsha and Cheryl are a happy and committed couple whose Facebook pages are full of their busy lives. As soon as the possibility was available, they married legally in California in 2008.

All of us continue to work to create a just and loving church.

Ivan “Toby” Gould is a retired elder in the New York Annual Conference. 

We Did is a project of Methodists in New Directions (MIND) dedicated to making visible our ministries to LGBTQ people and encouraging others in the UMC to transcend the institutional requirement to discriminate and make their ministries visible, too. It is part of the Biblical Obedience movement sweeping across the United Methodist Church. You can read all the We Did stories here.  We invite you to submit your own story to We Did. 

The risks of living by grace trump the safety of enduring indefensible laws

We Did: Stories of United Methodists living marriage equality

By Rev. Stephen Heiss

heissMy daughter Nancy and the “love of her life” Kim were married in the eyes of God and their friends and family on July 7, 2002. It was one of the best days of my life. They asked me to officiate. And I did!

In those days, a legal marriage in New York State was not available. Like many other gay couples, Kim and Nancy had traveled to Vermont, where they obtained the legal status of a civil union.  Later, they would take a day trip over the Canadian border, where they would become, at last, legally married. But this July day in 2002 is still the day they celebrate as their real wedding.

Oddly, as I recollect that day for this We Did story, my first memory is of my dad’s anxiety as we traveled together toward the wedding site. He was actually afraid for me – concerned a reporter might be tipped off, show up with a camera, write a story for the next day’s paper,

spoil the event for his granddaughter, and get me in hot water.

Truth be told, I was a bit nervous myself, although I had taken precautions. There were, for instance, no public announcements about the wedding. No pictures in the celebrations section of the paper.  Invitations only to those selected guests who would be discrete. Even Nancy’s hometown congregation (where I had previously served as a pastor) did not know anything about her wedding.

Moreover, I had met with a colleague (who had been advised by a gay-friendly bishop) in order to learn the art of officiating at a “gay union service” in a way which would limit my liability should a church complaint be filed against me.

As it turned out, the wedding went well. In fact, it went extremely well. Of course it did!

I have never been to such a joyful wedding. We held the service in a beautiful setting, filled with trees and sunshine, adjacent to a pavilion all decorated up with home-made bouquets for the reception.

When Nancy and Kim were at last ready and standing before me, I was so moved by the moment that I had to switch into autopilot mode (you pastors will know what I mean) just to get through those opening words: “We are gathered here in the presence of God . . .”

After all the vow-giving and -taking and rings and prayers and smiles and love, still fighting my own tears, more or less unsuccessfully, I joined all gathered as we laid out a huge blessing upon both of these wonderful women.

The afternoon reception celebrations were filled with joy. By the end of the day, all had gone exceedingly well. Nobody ever complained to my bishop. The earth did not spin off its axis.

Years later, it is my joy to report that Nancy and Kim are still crazy in love with each other and now live in Asheville, North Carolina.

Sadly, they want nothing to do with the United Methodist Church. Who can blame them?

Somebody recently asked me why I had risked officiating at my daughter’s wedding.

I said something like, “Well, she is my daughter . . . who would not risk everything to help their own daughter?”

That is a true statement. It is also an incomplete statement. I wish I had added more. I wish I had added that every person who asks me to officiate at their wedding is my daughter, or my son, or my transgender child, or my questioning child, or my queer child – and they are ALL  ALL  ALL a part of MY FAMILY.

Which is, of course, YOUR family too.

Who would not risk helping members of their own beloved family? Or, as the Master of Life might have said it, “If your child asks for bread,  would you give her a stone? Or if your child asks for a wedding cake, would you hit him with a Book of Discipline?”

I did officiate at the wedding of two people who did not identify as heterosexual. I have done so a number of times. I will continue to do so as long as I am able. I believe the risk of living by grace always trumps the safety of enduring an indefensible law.

Stephen Heiss, who currently faces an official complaint for having performed same-sex weddings, is an elder in the Upper New York Annual Conference and the pastor of Tabernacle UMC in Binghamton, NY.

We Did is a project of Methodists in New Directions (MIND) dedicated to making visible our ministries to LGBTQ people and encouraging others in the UMC to transcend the institutional requirement to discriminate and make their ministries visible, too. It is part of the Biblical Obedience movement sweeping across the United Methodist Church. You can read all the We Did stories here.  We invite you to submit your own story to We Did.